The Journey to the Person I’ve Become
In this story, Andrew Worsnop (MA 1987) gives a searingly honest description of his long journey to being correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and how a conversation with the leader of the Christian Union at St Andrews and his conversion to Roman Catholicism gave him the strength to cope until he was.
Even though it was thirty-five years ago, I can still vividly remember my time at St Andrews. I loved every aspect of the experience: from the academic side to the many friendships I made, to the balls I went to and the societies I was a member of. I particularly loved being in the Chapel choir and the Renaissance group choir.
I enjoyed my first year in ‘Regs’, where I got to know so many people. Then in my second, third and fourth years I lived in flats (in Market and South Street) where we had constant dinner parties. I loved going to the student union and I thoroughly enjoyed having a chorus part in My Fair Lady. I was also a regular attender at student theatre, the Byre Theatre, the St Andrews Festival and in particular Scottish Ballet.
We worked very hard, though, as there was constant pressure to do well. That was part of the education. I also enjoyed playing tennis, squash, golf and running along the West Sands with nobody else on the beach – just me the sea, sky and the elements. It kept me calm.
For although I sensed something was wrong while I was at University – and I went to the student medical practice many times – the doctors didn’t detect my bi-polar disorder. I consider it a great achievement to have gained a 2:2 with some 2:1 elements because I was very poorly when I sat my finals. In fact, I had a full-scale nervous breakdown with one exam left to sit.
I should have been admitted to hospital there and then, but having completed my studies, I left St Andrews. Despite seeing a number of GPs, none of them diagnosed my illness.
Eventually, after three months looking for work on a high, I decided to join my parents in Casablanca, where my father was posted as a British Consul General. When the plane landed there, I ‘crashed’ and fought suicidal thoughts for the next eight months.
Here is where my education kicked in. All the time at St Andrews I was searching for the truth. The afternoon before my final exam when I had my breakdown the leader of the Christian Union at St Andrews came to see me. Through her I found the answers I was looking for in the Roman Catholic faith and it was this that gave me the strength not to commit suicide. Eventually after eight months, I woke up one morning no longer feeling suicidal. I’d conquered my depression through prayer.
One year later I was admitted to hospital in Perth. Because I was on another high, the consultant diagnosed me incorrectly, which led to catastrophe for a number of years.
It was only when I went to live in Bath that I was diagnosed correctly by my psychiatrist. He admitted me to hospital initially for one year and I then had monthly appointments with him until I was discharged two years ago. One month ago, my GP made me stable on my medication.
I am much happier now, and I am feeling well. I enjoy attending Mass three times a week at my parish church and I go every evening to Bath Mind Breathing Space – a face-to-face meeting place where I am supported by staff in a very kind a professional way. Because of them I’ve been getting a lot better.
I wouldn’t be here now if it were not for my early education and my time at St Andrews. My faith and every aspect of my bi-polar personality have created the person that I’ve become. I’ve had a tough time of things, but I have been patient in travail and would like to think my story might be of interest to others, if not an inspiration.